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Aug 14, 2005, 11:51 AM // 11:51
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#1 |
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Delphian Scribe
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Holland
Guild: No guild ;_;
Profession: N/Me
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monty python scripts :O
look what i found hehe enjoy
Title: The Black Knight From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail Transcribed By: Malcolm Dickinson ( [email protected]ET ) Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in green and one in black. Arthur stops and watches the fight. The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Patsy and they "ride" forward. Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. (The black knight does not respond) Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons. (no response) Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court at Camelot. (no response) Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? (no response) Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy! As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks: Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: (taken aback) What? Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE. Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside. Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN. Arthur: So be it! (draws sword) A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight's left arm off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open shoulder. Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch. Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off! Black Knight: No it isn't! Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground) Black Knight: I've had worse. Arthur: You LIAR! Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts off the black knight's right arm, causing it and the black knight's sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump. Arthur: Victory is mine! (kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy-- He is kicked onto his side by the black knight. Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again) Arthur: (on the ground) What?!? Black Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you! Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh? Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! Black Knight: Yes I have! Arthur: LOOK!!! Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again) Arthur: Look, STOP that! Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!! Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg! (The Black Knight continues his kicking) Arthur: RIGHT! (He chops off the black knight's leg with his sword) Black Knight: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that! Arthur: You'll *WHAT*? Black Knight: Come 'ere! Arthur: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me? Black Knight: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!! Arthur: You're a looney.... Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!! (hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining leg) Arthur shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Black Knight's last limb. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move. Black Knight: Okay, we'll call it a draw. Arthur: Come, Pasty! (they "ride" away) Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off |
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Aug 14, 2005, 11:53 AM // 11:53
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#2 |
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Delphian Scribe
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Holland
Guild: No guild ;_;
Profession: N/Me
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and another one
 Title: The Knights Who Say "Ni" From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail Transcribed By: unknown Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Arthur: Who are you? Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"! Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"! Knight of Ni: The same. Other Knight of Ni: Who are we? Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm! Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm! Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice! Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No! Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us. Arthur: Well what is it you want? Knight of Ni: We want..... (pregnant pause) A SHRUBBERY!!!! (dramatic minor chord) Arthur: A *WHAT*? Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni! Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never pass through this wood... alive. Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: One that looks nice. Arthur: Of course! Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive. Arthur; Yes! Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO! (music) Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.... Arthur: What is that? Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"! Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh! Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm". Other Knight of Ni: Ni! Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test. Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of..... Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"? Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find.... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!! (another minor chord) Arthur: Oh not *another* shrubbery!! Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni! Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING! |
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Aug 14, 2005, 10:19 PM // 22:19
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#3 |
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Ascalonian Squire
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Guild: Blind Vengeance
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Ahhh... Monty Python, such as these should truly be treasured.
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Sep 08, 2005, 03:42 AM // 03:42
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#4 |
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Jungle Guide
Join Date: Apr 2005
Guild: aFk
Profession: Me/Rt
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Monty Python is such a great movie i do't know why people don't like it.
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Sep 08, 2005, 03:51 AM // 03:51
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#5 | |
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Ascalonian Squire
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Guild: Mormon Battalion
Profession: N/Mo
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Quote:
The Spam Sketch from the second series of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter. Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear. Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right. Man (to Waitress): Morning! Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning! Man: Well, what've you got? Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam; Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam... Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. Wife: Have you got anything without spam? Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it. Wife: I don't want ANY spam! Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage? Wife: THAT'S got spam in it! Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it? Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines) Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then? Waitress: Urgghh! Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam! Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!) Waitress: Shut up! Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam. Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam! Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam! Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off. Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words) Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam! |
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Sep 08, 2005, 03:53 AM // 03:53
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#6 |
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Ascalonian Squire
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Guild: Mormon Battalion
Profession: N/Mo
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and another classic
The Spanish Inquisition Sketch from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and "And Now for Something Completely Different" Graham Chapman: Trouble at mill. Carol Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Cleveland: Pardon? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying. Chapman: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle. Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean? Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD) (The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain (Palin) enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles (Jones) has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang (Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang) Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt) Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD) (The cardinals burst in) Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it. Biggles: What? Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that... (Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again) Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD) (The cardinals enter) Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um.... Ximinez: Expects... Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and -- Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--' Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead? Cleveland: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER') Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING') Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! (Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger) Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down. (Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack) Ximinez: Right! How do you plead? Cleveland: Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn. (Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders) Biggles: I.... Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid. Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! (Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack) (Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde). Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS! (JARRING CHORD) (Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions) Biggles: Here they are, lord. Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about. Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! (Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture) Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord. Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! (JARRING CHORD) (Zoom into Fang's horrified face) Fang (terrified): The...Comfy Chair? (Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one) Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! (They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair) Ximinez (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: I confess! Ximinez: Not you! |
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Sep 08, 2005, 06:34 AM // 06:34
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#7 |
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Lion's Arch Merchant
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Denmark
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Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
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Sep 08, 2005, 07:24 AM // 07:24
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#8 |
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Jungle Guide
Join Date: Apr 2005
Guild: aFk
Profession: Me/Rt
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No but they could be carried
(i used rez sig on this thread also, i just went to the last page adn found it) |
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Sep 08, 2005, 04:39 PM // 16:39
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#9 | |
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Polar Bear Attendant
Join Date: May 2005
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 aaah Montys My favourite s still the part with Sir Robin (who ran away )Quote:
Last edited by Witchblade; Sep 08, 2005 at 04:42 PM // 16:42.. |
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Sep 08, 2005, 06:34 PM // 18:34
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#10 |
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Desert Nomad
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: UK
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http://www.montypythonpages.com/index1.htm
great site....... every script to everything theyve done. Theres also the old scenes from stuff like Holy Grail that didnt make it into the film if your interested. Good Stuff. |
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Sep 08, 2005, 08:01 PM // 20:01
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#11 |
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Frost Gate Guardian
Join Date: May 2005
Profession: W/E
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i want you all to call me Loretta
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Sep 20, 2005, 05:30 PM // 17:30
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#12 |
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Ascalonian Squire
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: seattle
Guild: Wantafanta [wtf]
Profession: Mo/E
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I love you all please dont stop
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Sep 20, 2005, 09:00 PM // 21:00
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#13 |
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Ancient Windbreaker
 
Join Date: May 2005
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i fart in your general direction
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